Its the FINAL COUNTDOWN

Well it?s my last day and my last couple of hours here working in the VaterLand.
Returning tomorrow, and still not properly packed up my flat and stuff.
This is intended as an explanation of why I haven?t blogged recently, but it really is an excuse, I have spent so much time in Irish bars over the last week, that if it weren?t for a quick bout of Swedish karaoke, then I would be Irish right now.

Listen to Europe - The Final Countdown

Staff Motivation for Dummys

Well with more requests for people than they have people, and all the good people leaving (not just me) my employers, or dumb and dumber as they should be known have recently just turned up the heat under their employee satisfaction programme. And how do you suppose they are going about motivating people?
Paying them competitive salaries? NO!
Developing their professional or personal capabilities? NO!
Respecting them for the competent professionals that they are? NO!
Listening to their feedback and using the criticism to forge a better working place? NO!

They are awarding Amazon vouchers to all those employees who have been billable for the last calendar year. Now obviously I miss out on this as I am leaving, but lets just stop and think about this. A project should by definition have an objective, and an end point, so if you happen to work on a project (unlike me) and it completes (as you would hope it would) and the business developers have nothing lined up for you immediately, you instantly fall out of this hallowed tier (of approx 50%) of the employees. The swede was billable for 50 weeks (of the 52 in review) and missed out on the parade of honour.
So in effect the employees are being rewarded for something they had no control over, as long as they weren?t so bad that the client requested they be replaced, then they get the praise.

Way to go!!

Also the employee survey had a number of technical problems and these are now being blamed for a large number of things:
i) ?employees could not access the survey which is why we had such a poor turnout (65% vs minimum target 75%)? ? I assume that management are measured on employee morale and a good indication is that people want to help make their workplace better, therefore the minimum target is probably a management objective, missing this target is therefore a failure to meet expectations. But not if the reason is ?technical problems?, what could management do? So the technical problems alone and not the unbearably low morale are responsible for the poor attendance.
ii) ?any negative comments were as a result of frustration with the technical problems in the administration of the survey and not indicative of poor morale? because we are all such simple ADHD afflicted idiots that we couldn?t possibly accurately recall the events of the last year whilst facing such distracting technical adversity, otherwise of course our satisfaction ratings would have been sky high.

I guess when you are poised above the abyss you will grasp at anything at all to prevent your fall.

Read whilst listening to two germans crying over their premature retirement

CEO; Chairman; Founder; Principal Shareholder

Ha ha ha, my empire is now beginning, watch out bill gates, watch out warren buffett.

REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY is in the ascendency.
According to my PA I now even have a company seal, hahahahaha

See first stab at a logo:

REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY

REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY

REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY

Fucking Idiots

Well I've been here two hours so far today and got no work done, because Red decided that the desks all needed to be raised by 12cm, so some handyman has been taking all the desks apart, putting a number of spacers into the legs and rebuilding them. Now my desk is at a really uncomfortable height. Still at least Red is happy, well actually she isn't but then she never will be, so hopefully she will die soon.

read

What's in a name?

Anyway it seems that in this world of the future that we now live in (?) you can buy a company in about 5 minutes on t'internet, and it is delivered next day in fancy wrapping. What they can't help you with is the oh-so-important, oh-so-clever name of the company, that's where you come in. Creativity required.

I have used all my left brain processing to come up with the following names, please let me know if you think any are suitable, or if you have any other suggestions let me know. btw the window for this is very narrow, so only responses received very soon will be considered.

one hundred per cent cotton ltd.
paradigm flip ltd.
cogniscenti consulting ltd.

New Year's Resolution

I promise to calm down

Paxman Genius

Just found this transcript of the interview between Paxman and George Galloway this morning. Stolen in its entirety from http://news.bbc.co.uk

JP: We're joined now from his count in Bethnal Green and Bow by George Galloway. Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: What a preposterous question. I know it's very late in the night, but wouldn't you be better starting by congratulating me for one of the most sensational election results in modern history?
JP: Are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: I'm not - Jeremy - move on to your next question.
JP: You're not answering that one?
GG: No because I don't believe that people get elected because of the colour of their skin. I believe people get elected because of their record and because of their policies. So move on to your next question.
JP: Are you proud -
GG: Because I've got a lot of people who want to speak to me.
JP: - You -
GG: If you ask that question again, I'm going, I warn you now.
JP: Don't try and threaten me Mr Galloway, please.
GG: You're the one who's trying to badger me.
JP: I'm not trying to badger you, I'm merely trying to ask if you're proud at having driven out of Parliament one of the very few black women there, a woman you accuse of having on her conscience 100,000 people.
GG: Oh well there's no doubt about that one. There's absolutely no doubt that all those New Labour MPs who voted for Mr Blair and Mr Bush's war have on their hands the blood of 100,000 people in Iraq, many of them British soldiers, many of them American soldiers, most of them Iraqis and that's a more important issue than the colour of her skin.
JP: Absolutely, because you then went on to say "including a lot of women who had blacker faces than her"
GG: Absolutely right, absolutely right. So don't try and tell me I should feel guilty about one of the most sensational election results in modern electoral history.
JP: I put it to you Mr Galloway that Nick Raynsford had you to a T when he said you were a "demagogue".
GG: Sorry?
JP: Nick Raynsford. You know who I mean? Nick Raynsford. Labour MP?
GG: No, I don't know who you mean.
JP: Never heard of him.
GG: I've never heard of Nick Raynsford, no.
JP: What else haven't you heard of?
GG: Well, I've been in Parliament a long time...
JP: He was a Parliamentary colleague of yours until very recently.
GG: Well, most of them just blend one into the other, Jeremy, they're largely a spineless, a supine bunch.
JP: Have you ever heard of Tony Banks?
GG: Yes I have, yes.
JP: Right, Tony Banks was sitting here five minutes ago, and he said that you were behaving inexcusably, that you had deliberately chosen to go to that part of London and to exploit the latent racial tensions there.
GG: You are actually conducting one of the most - even by your standards - one of the most absurd interviews I have ever participated in. I have just won an election. Can you find it within yourself to recognise that fact? To recognise the fact that the people of Bethnal Green and Bow chose me this evening. Why are you insulting them?
JP: I'm not insulting them, I'm not insulting you
GG: You are insulting them, they chose me just a few minutes ago. Can't you find it within yourself even to congratulate me on this victory?
JP: Congratulations, Mr Galloway.
GG: Thank you very much indeed. [Waves, removes microphone]

The day after the (election) night before or Re-elected: The Guilty Party

Well well it seems the nostalgic Britons have elected Mr Bush, I mean Blair, back into power. In which case I might reconsider my move to the UK

Here are some things which I thought might have made the populous reconsider about "backing Blair"

Remember when:

• The UN said that there was insufficient grounds for military action against Iraq but we (Blair) decided that the UN were probably wrong (they are a bunch of foreigners after all) and invaded Iraq anyway, resulting in over 100,000 deaths.


• 24 September 2002 the UK government published an intelligence dossier outlining its concerns over Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, including the claim that Iraq could deploy chemical and biological weapons within 45 minutes. In the foreword, Mr Blair said that "this issue was a current and serious threat to the UK national interest". The subsequent Butler report into that dossier found the evidence to be: "unreliable" or "very thin" and "it was a serious weakness". Still Mr Blair said it was: "extensive, detailed and authoritative", and commited the full extent of the UK defense to back up that Village Idiot Bush in his attempt to raise oil prices.


• The labour party claimed they would not raise income tax, yet: In the last four years the government has raised numerous other taxes, from stamp duty to excise duties.
  It's even raised National Insurance by 1%, a rise in income tax in all but name.
  As a result, by next year, Labour will be collecting about £26bn a year more in government revenue than the Conservatives did in 1996-97.


• In Sep 2000 a 62-year-old motorist collapsed and died while waiting in a queue for petrol in south east Wales. Why because the whole country was brought to its knees as petrol stations ran dry and supermarkets ran out of food, as farmers and hauliers blockaded petrol refineries in protest at absurdly high fuel taxes. These taxes are now higher than in 2000, and guess what the farmers and hauliers are not happy, watch this space, and pray that the next 62 year old motorist isn't someone you know.


• New Labour won election on the back of Tory sleaze, since being in power there have been various scandals regarding the less than professional and some might say callous lack of responsibility the members of the Labour government have shown, crony-ism: Quangos and non-elected governmental positions were a hot topi, but have since gone quite, yet look at two of Tony's most odious favourites: Peter Mandelson and Alan Milburn both in and out of favour with the party and the electorate, now find themselve firmly aboard Blair's gravy train: Milburn is now Chancellor of Duchy of Lancaster and the spin doctor behind this last election, appointed solely to piss Gordon Brown off (not that I am against that as a guiding force) and Mandy, well his is EU Trade Commissioner, and his most recent role, negotiating with the Chinese (to resounding success as no doubt the population of Longbridge, W. Midlands will concur) and what's more: It also emerged that over New Year, Mr Mandelson spent five days with unnamed friends in the Caribbean having flown out early for an official visit in Guyana, and is under investigation for receiving "gifts" from overseas trade commissions. Scandal: did anyone ever find out what Ron Davies was on? Expenses/Pay: Ok most Labour MPs have not known great wealth, having struggled down t'pit most of their lives and eventually found their way to the big city, but is that any excuse: a Teesside MP put in an expenses claim of more than £1,500 for improving his London garden! Tony Blair claimed £43,000 over three years for his constituency home (despite havaing No10 downing st and chequers as rent free private residences)! Backbench Labour MP Siobhain McDonagh claimed £31,845 for postage expenses last year, now thats a fuck of a lot of stamps!

Anyway I am getting bored now, and since I was unable to vote (and my single vote for the Anyone But Tony Party would have made Fuck All difference) and the election is over, so I'll just keep taking the pills.

Read whilst listening to The Spin Doctors or Re:volution Coldcut and Guilty Party (again)

Oh how I dislike these people

Hilarious Germans in the office have just discovered the wembley bridge vote thingy, anyway according to them if the bridge is not named after Diddy Hamman then this just goes to show how undemocratic and corrupt us Britons are!!!

I found the following reactions amusing:

"Ah those crazy Germans and their sense of humour, first they invade Poland now a large number of them want to name the new Wembley bridge the 'The Dietmar Hamann bridge'. It?s really all the fault of The London Development Agency, who in a moment of office madness, thought it would be a good idea if people were allowed the chance to vote for the name of the bridge suggesting names like 1966 World Cup heroes such as Geoff Hurst and Bobby Charlton. And people did vote in their hundreds, unfortunately for the organisers it was the Germans."

"Damned Germans, not only do I have to live with you every day, and have you bombarding my email with this rubbish, now I have you invading my internet space to!If you get the Hamann Bridge through, I vote we name the "Allianz Arena", "The Michael Owen hat-trick, 5-1, christ even Heskey scored Stadium" That would be fair..."

Also this insightful comment from one of Germany's leading social commentators:
I think its even a good idea these bridge calling "Dietmar Hamann Bridge".
Didi Hamann is the best player, who has played on the island.
Greeetttzzzz to you"Island-Apes" (Insel-Affen)
ps.David Beckham is a sh.it m.otherf.ucker!!!!!!!!!!
Victoria Beckham is a Bitch (Callgirl)!!!
Prince Charles has Big Ears like "DUMBO"!!!!
And Camilla is a Witch,she looks like a Nightmare!!!
And William isnt a prince,but a homosexuell princess!!!!!!

Ps2. The sence of a Island is:Its good that the english people are on the Island,and never come from to the rest of the World!!!!!!!

Post Edited (22-03-05 09:53)

Genius

Read whilst listening to someon read Churchill's War Speeches

"Never in the field of Human conflict has so much been owed by so many to so few"

"A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him."

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old"

Neither Unemployed Nor Unemployable

Woo Hoo (and punch the air).

I just got confirmation that I have a job, at least for now. Starting beginning June at Vodafone Global in Newbury. So I can breath easy again.

Lots to plan and do now though, yikes. And with a thick head from last night's champions league celebrations.

Do not read whilst listening to "The Only Way Is Up" by Yazz and the plastic population being played through a PC's internal speaker in a large open plan office.

Genius

I was just looking for hotels and travel ideas on lastminute.com and saw they have this "look busy link:"

http://www.lastminute.com/site/main/boss_page_spreadsheet.html


Genius I'm sure you'll agree

Run Britain

Yes I know thats what Gordon Brown wants to do, but I am determined to do it.

I am of course talking about the 10k race in central London in July, hahaha.

Anyway I am signing up for it online at the moment and I got this disclaimer.:

DISCLAIMER
I declare that I will abide by the Laws & Rules for competition of the IAAF and other athletic related sports bodies, that I will be 15 years or over on 3rd July 2005, that I will compete on foot (no baby strollers, roller blades, skateboards, wheeled vehicles nor use of any animal) and that I enter and intend running entirely at my own risk.To the extent permitted by the Unfair Contract Terms Act 1977, neither Union Jack Sports Limited nor it's sponsors, agents, servants, suppliers, staff, facilitating authorities will be liable for any loss, damage, illness or injury resulting in negligence, wrongful act or default of Union Jack Sports Limited, it's sponsors, agents, servants, suppliers, staff or facilitating authorities or from any other cause, including any act of God or the physical condition of the competitor.Union Jack Sports Limited reserves the right at it's absolute discretion to alter the date of the event, change the published course or the content of the event programme as deemed necessary at any time.

Damn I wanted to use an animal, in fact a series of animals

Stick it

My boss called at 10am to see if I had considered the request to work through June. He was quite pressuring and normally I would have given it a little more consideration, but I just said that I didn't think it was something I wanted to do, and the financials did not make sense for me. There was no comeback so...

I don't know whether this will be the last I hear of this or not...

anyway you will be the first to hear about it.