heh heh draw a pig

whilst I am composing myself after the repatriation, I have not managed to post anything. Anyway , this was too good to not break radio silence for:

draw a pig

here is mine

ric

Click to view my test results


OINK OINK

Its the FINAL COUNTDOWN

Well it?s my last day and my last couple of hours here working in the VaterLand.
Returning tomorrow, and still not properly packed up my flat and stuff.
This is intended as an explanation of why I haven?t blogged recently, but it really is an excuse, I have spent so much time in Irish bars over the last week, that if it weren?t for a quick bout of Swedish karaoke, then I would be Irish right now.

Listen to Europe - The Final Countdown

Staff Motivation for Dummys

Well with more requests for people than they have people, and all the good people leaving (not just me) my employers, or dumb and dumber as they should be known have recently just turned up the heat under their employee satisfaction programme. And how do you suppose they are going about motivating people?
Paying them competitive salaries? NO!
Developing their professional or personal capabilities? NO!
Respecting them for the competent professionals that they are? NO!
Listening to their feedback and using the criticism to forge a better working place? NO!

They are awarding Amazon vouchers to all those employees who have been billable for the last calendar year. Now obviously I miss out on this as I am leaving, but lets just stop and think about this. A project should by definition have an objective, and an end point, so if you happen to work on a project (unlike me) and it completes (as you would hope it would) and the business developers have nothing lined up for you immediately, you instantly fall out of this hallowed tier (of approx 50%) of the employees. The swede was billable for 50 weeks (of the 52 in review) and missed out on the parade of honour.
So in effect the employees are being rewarded for something they had no control over, as long as they weren?t so bad that the client requested they be replaced, then they get the praise.

Way to go!!

Also the employee survey had a number of technical problems and these are now being blamed for a large number of things:
i) ?employees could not access the survey which is why we had such a poor turnout (65% vs minimum target 75%)? ? I assume that management are measured on employee morale and a good indication is that people want to help make their workplace better, therefore the minimum target is probably a management objective, missing this target is therefore a failure to meet expectations. But not if the reason is ?technical problems?, what could management do? So the technical problems alone and not the unbearably low morale are responsible for the poor attendance.
ii) ?any negative comments were as a result of frustration with the technical problems in the administration of the survey and not indicative of poor morale? because we are all such simple ADHD afflicted idiots that we couldn?t possibly accurately recall the events of the last year whilst facing such distracting technical adversity, otherwise of course our satisfaction ratings would have been sky high.

I guess when you are poised above the abyss you will grasp at anything at all to prevent your fall.

Read whilst listening to two germans crying over their premature retirement

CEO; Chairman; Founder; Principal Shareholder

Ha ha ha, my empire is now beginning, watch out bill gates, watch out warren buffett.

REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY is in the ascendency.
According to my PA I now even have a company seal, hahahahaha

See first stab at a logo:

REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY

REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY

REMOVED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY

Fucking Idiots

Well I've been here two hours so far today and got no work done, because Red decided that the desks all needed to be raised by 12cm, so some handyman has been taking all the desks apart, putting a number of spacers into the legs and rebuilding them. Now my desk is at a really uncomfortable height. Still at least Red is happy, well actually she isn't but then she never will be, so hopefully she will die soon.

read

What's in a name?

Anyway it seems that in this world of the future that we now live in (?) you can buy a company in about 5 minutes on t'internet, and it is delivered next day in fancy wrapping. What they can't help you with is the oh-so-important, oh-so-clever name of the company, that's where you come in. Creativity required.

I have used all my left brain processing to come up with the following names, please let me know if you think any are suitable, or if you have any other suggestions let me know. btw the window for this is very narrow, so only responses received very soon will be considered.

one hundred per cent cotton ltd.
paradigm flip ltd.
cogniscenti consulting ltd.

New Year's Resolution

I promise to calm down

Paxman Genius

Just found this transcript of the interview between Paxman and George Galloway this morning. Stolen in its entirety from http://news.bbc.co.uk

JP: We're joined now from his count in Bethnal Green and Bow by George Galloway. Mr Galloway, are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: What a preposterous question. I know it's very late in the night, but wouldn't you be better starting by congratulating me for one of the most sensational election results in modern history?
JP: Are you proud of having got rid of one of the very few black women in Parliament?
GG: I'm not - Jeremy - move on to your next question.
JP: You're not answering that one?
GG: No because I don't believe that people get elected because of the colour of their skin. I believe people get elected because of their record and because of their policies. So move on to your next question.
JP: Are you proud -
GG: Because I've got a lot of people who want to speak to me.
JP: - You -
GG: If you ask that question again, I'm going, I warn you now.
JP: Don't try and threaten me Mr Galloway, please.
GG: You're the one who's trying to badger me.
JP: I'm not trying to badger you, I'm merely trying to ask if you're proud at having driven out of Parliament one of the very few black women there, a woman you accuse of having on her conscience 100,000 people.
GG: Oh well there's no doubt about that one. There's absolutely no doubt that all those New Labour MPs who voted for Mr Blair and Mr Bush's war have on their hands the blood of 100,000 people in Iraq, many of them British soldiers, many of them American soldiers, most of them Iraqis and that's a more important issue than the colour of her skin.
JP: Absolutely, because you then went on to say "including a lot of women who had blacker faces than her"
GG: Absolutely right, absolutely right. So don't try and tell me I should feel guilty about one of the most sensational election results in modern electoral history.
JP: I put it to you Mr Galloway that Nick Raynsford had you to a T when he said you were a "demagogue".
GG: Sorry?
JP: Nick Raynsford. You know who I mean? Nick Raynsford. Labour MP?
GG: No, I don't know who you mean.
JP: Never heard of him.
GG: I've never heard of Nick Raynsford, no.
JP: What else haven't you heard of?
GG: Well, I've been in Parliament a long time...
JP: He was a Parliamentary colleague of yours until very recently.
GG: Well, most of them just blend one into the other, Jeremy, they're largely a spineless, a supine bunch.
JP: Have you ever heard of Tony Banks?
GG: Yes I have, yes.
JP: Right, Tony Banks was sitting here five minutes ago, and he said that you were behaving inexcusably, that you had deliberately chosen to go to that part of London and to exploit the latent racial tensions there.
GG: You are actually conducting one of the most - even by your standards - one of the most absurd interviews I have ever participated in. I have just won an election. Can you find it within yourself to recognise that fact? To recognise the fact that the people of Bethnal Green and Bow chose me this evening. Why are you insulting them?
JP: I'm not insulting them, I'm not insulting you
GG: You are insulting them, they chose me just a few minutes ago. Can't you find it within yourself even to congratulate me on this victory?
JP: Congratulations, Mr Galloway.
GG: Thank you very much indeed. [Waves, removes microphone]

The day after the (election) night before or Re-elected: The Guilty Party

Well well it seems the nostalgic Britons have elected Mr Bush, I mean Blair, back into power. In which case I might reconsider my move to the UK

Here are some things which I thought might have made the populous reconsider about "backing Blair"

Remember when:

• The UN said that there was insufficient grounds for military action against Iraq but we (Blair) decided that the UN were probably wrong (they are a bunch of foreigners after all) and invaded Iraq anyway, resulting in over 100,000 deaths.


• 24 September 2002 the UK government published an intelligence dossier outlining its concerns over Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, including the claim that Iraq could deploy chemical and biological weapons within 45 minutes. In the foreword, Mr Blair said that "this issue was a current and serious threat to the UK national interest". The subsequent Butler report into that dossier found the evidence to be: "unreliable" or "very thin" and "it was a serious weakness". Still Mr Blair said it was: "extensive, detailed and authoritative", and commited the full extent of the UK defense to back up that Village Idiot Bush in his attempt to raise oil prices.


• The labour party claimed they would not raise income tax, yet: In the last four years the government has raised numerous other taxes, from stamp duty to excise duties.
  It's even raised National Insurance by 1%, a rise in income tax in all but name.
  As a result, by next year, Labour will be collecting about £26bn a year more in government revenue than the Conservatives did in 1996-97.


• In Sep 2000 a 62-year-old motorist collapsed and died while waiting in a queue for petrol in south east Wales. Why because the whole country was brought to its knees as petrol stations ran dry and supermarkets ran out of food, as farmers and hauliers blockaded petrol refineries in protest at absurdly high fuel taxes. These taxes are now higher than in 2000, and guess what the farmers and hauliers are not happy, watch this space, and pray that the next 62 year old motorist isn't someone you know.


• New Labour won election on the back of Tory sleaze, since being in power there have been various scandals regarding the less than professional and some might say callous lack of responsibility the members of the Labour government have shown, crony-ism: Quangos and non-elected governmental positions were a hot topi, but have since gone quite, yet look at two of Tony's most odious favourites: Peter Mandelson and Alan Milburn both in and out of favour with the party and the electorate, now find themselve firmly aboard Blair's gravy train: Milburn is now Chancellor of Duchy of Lancaster and the spin doctor behind this last election, appointed solely to piss Gordon Brown off (not that I am against that as a guiding force) and Mandy, well his is EU Trade Commissioner, and his most recent role, negotiating with the Chinese (to resounding success as no doubt the population of Longbridge, W. Midlands will concur) and what's more: It also emerged that over New Year, Mr Mandelson spent five days with unnamed friends in the Caribbean having flown out early for an official visit in Guyana, and is under investigation for receiving "gifts" from overseas trade commissions. Scandal: did anyone ever find out what Ron Davies was on? Expenses/Pay: Ok most Labour MPs have not known great wealth, having struggled down t'pit most of their lives and eventually found their way to the big city, but is that any excuse: a Teesside MP put in an expenses claim of more than £1,500 for improving his London garden! Tony Blair claimed £43,000 over three years for his constituency home (despite havaing No10 downing st and chequers as rent free private residences)! Backbench Labour MP Siobhain McDonagh claimed £31,845 for postage expenses last year, now thats a fuck of a lot of stamps!

Anyway I am getting bored now, and since I was unable to vote (and my single vote for the Anyone But Tony Party would have made Fuck All difference) and the election is over, so I'll just keep taking the pills.

Read whilst listening to The Spin Doctors or Re:volution Coldcut and Guilty Party (again)

Oh how I dislike these people

Hilarious Germans in the office have just discovered the wembley bridge vote thingy, anyway according to them if the bridge is not named after Diddy Hamman then this just goes to show how undemocratic and corrupt us Britons are!!!

I found the following reactions amusing:

"Ah those crazy Germans and their sense of humour, first they invade Poland now a large number of them want to name the new Wembley bridge the 'The Dietmar Hamann bridge'. It?s really all the fault of The London Development Agency, who in a moment of office madness, thought it would be a good idea if people were allowed the chance to vote for the name of the bridge suggesting names like 1966 World Cup heroes such as Geoff Hurst and Bobby Charlton. And people did vote in their hundreds, unfortunately for the organisers it was the Germans."

"Damned Germans, not only do I have to live with you every day, and have you bombarding my email with this rubbish, now I have you invading my internet space to!If you get the Hamann Bridge through, I vote we name the "Allianz Arena", "The Michael Owen hat-trick, 5-1, christ even Heskey scored Stadium" That would be fair..."

Also this insightful comment from one of Germany's leading social commentators:
I think its even a good idea these bridge calling "Dietmar Hamann Bridge".
Didi Hamann is the best player, who has played on the island.
Greeetttzzzz to you"Island-Apes" (Insel-Affen)
ps.David Beckham is a sh.it m.otherf.ucker!!!!!!!!!!
Victoria Beckham is a Bitch (Callgirl)!!!
Prince Charles has Big Ears like "DUMBO"!!!!
And Camilla is a Witch,she looks like a Nightmare!!!
And William isnt a prince,but a homosexuell princess!!!!!!

Ps2. The sence of a Island is:Its good that the english people are on the Island,and never come from to the rest of the World!!!!!!!

Post Edited (22-03-05 09:53)

Genius

Read whilst listening to someon read Churchill's War Speeches

"Never in the field of Human conflict has so much been owed by so many to so few"

"A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him."

"We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old"

Neither Unemployed Nor Unemployable

Woo Hoo (and punch the air).

I just got confirmation that I have a job, at least for now. Starting beginning June at Vodafone Global in Newbury. So I can breath easy again.

Lots to plan and do now though, yikes. And with a thick head from last night's champions league celebrations.

Do not read whilst listening to "The Only Way Is Up" by Yazz and the plastic population being played through a PC's internal speaker in a large open plan office.

Genius

I was just looking for hotels and travel ideas on lastminute.com and saw they have this "look busy link:"

http://www.lastminute.com/site/main/boss_page_spreadsheet.html


Genius I'm sure you'll agree

Run Britain

Yes I know thats what Gordon Brown wants to do, but I am determined to do it.

I am of course talking about the 10k race in central London in July, hahaha.

Anyway I am signing up for it online at the moment and I got this disclaimer.:

DISCLAIMER
I declare that I will abide by the Laws & Rules for competition of the IAAF and other athletic related sports bodies, that I will be 15 years or over on 3rd July 2005, that I will compete on foot (no baby strollers, roller blades, skateboards, wheeled vehicles nor use of any animal) and that I enter and intend running entirely at my own risk.To the extent permitted by the Unfair Contract Terms Act 1977, neither Union Jack Sports Limited nor it's sponsors, agents, servants, suppliers, staff, facilitating authorities will be liable for any loss, damage, illness or injury resulting in negligence, wrongful act or default of Union Jack Sports Limited, it's sponsors, agents, servants, suppliers, staff or facilitating authorities or from any other cause, including any act of God or the physical condition of the competitor.Union Jack Sports Limited reserves the right at it's absolute discretion to alter the date of the event, change the published course or the content of the event programme as deemed necessary at any time.

Damn I wanted to use an animal, in fact a series of animals

Stick it

My boss called at 10am to see if I had considered the request to work through June. He was quite pressuring and normally I would have given it a little more consideration, but I just said that I didn't think it was something I wanted to do, and the financials did not make sense for me. There was no comeback so...

I don't know whether this will be the last I hear of this or not...

anyway you will be the first to hear about it.

More Noooos

Well finally my boss spoke to my client boss and told him I am leaving.

What now? Well they both agreed it would be very helpful if I would work an extra month, until the end of June. I think they are going to come to some arrangement regarding just how much they want me, if you understand what I am saying.

In the meantime the important piece of work that I am doing seems to be very low on everyone else's priority list, and I am just wondering what happens if I fail to deliver it today.

If you ever want to chill out then never forget how good Banco De Gaia is, I am just listening to Last Train to Lhasa and find myself more relaxed than I have been for some considerable time. Aaaaaaah

Pictures

I thought that maybe I should liven this blog up with some pictures, so I did a quickie Google Image search on the word Idiocy and this is what I found:










I'm sure you don't need this translating?




I think there might be some kind of common theme running through this.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am getting very hassled today for a variety of reasons:
i) I was volunteered to take a collleague's work so that she could have the afternoon off (in fact it seems that the whole of the department, except me, is taking the afternoon off)
ii) I got an email about my interview on Monday asking why I hadn't provided feedback. Well since I was the candidate I didn't really think that this was a so-called 360 interview. Should I make them an offer?
iii) Still no firm offers of work
iv) I will be required to work until May 31st, so any leave I have accrued will be paid off as a final salary, this is likely to be for 15.5 days though, so the tax I will have to pay will be quite painful.

Listen to MFTJG - Prodigy

DON'T CLICK THIS

They say "Bored of London...

...Bored of Life"
Well I'm bored of Düsseldorf, I don't know what that means.

Although I am starting to thing that fate is trying to tell me that I shouldn't leave for the following reasons.

Two weekends ago after I had made my mind up to leave, I happened to bump into three different people as I was bimbling around the city, something which has only happened once or twice in the whole time I have been here, and so we had a quick chat and it was very pleasant. But I got to thinking that this is a pleasant thing to happen and something that may only occur once in a lifetime in London. (in fact often despite plans, numerous emails, text messages and smoke signals people still seem to be unable to meet up)
The last night as I went into the pub, three of the staff greeted me cheerily, and one asked if I wanted a Guinness, to which I replied "of course" and carried on without breaking my stride to the basement to the big screen TV where the Swede (Swedes in fact) had reserved a seat for me. My Guinness followed me down accompanied by the unusually playful waitress! Now if thats not service I don't know what is. This was the closest I have ever come to a "Norm" moment*

*From the popular '80s sit com Cheers where the over large accountant Norm (George Wendt) upon entering the bar would always be greeted by a resounding cheer of his name and a cold frothing beer.

Read whilst trying not to listen to people leaving work whilst you have to stay late to compensate for your incompetant colleague who has destroyed your whole day's work, thanks dude

Bored and have web access?

But unable to access porn (for religious or corporate policy reasons)?
Inquisitive mind (we've all got inquisitive minds)?

Then check out the random page finder at Wikipedia

Four attempts, I got:

Thai Rock
rock music by Thai bands. Not sticks of confectionary with Phuket written through the centre.*

W. Ross Macdonald School for the Blind
which has special artificial lights fitted with dimmer switches. Personally I would have thought that lights in a school for the blind were somewhat redundant, maybe this is why they have artificial lights and not real ones.

Kestrel engines
Engines named Kestrel (apparently) and not the motive force behind Britains 2nd favourite indiginous bird of prey*

Kerguelen Islands
Archepelago in the southern indian ocean. Famous for: Nothing really, although it does have a population of feral cats descended from ships cats!

* Ha Ha


Still no news. AAAAaaargh

another myth dispelled

Well they say "No news is good news."

I don't think so, no news is simply no news, the absence of news, a news vacuum. Not only is it not bad news it is also, by definition, not good news.

And sometimes even bad news is good news, because it stops you from refreshing you internet mail inbox every 3 minutes whilst waiting for news.

try reading whilst listening to an irritating german talking too loud, every minute of every day for the rest of your miserable life.

A Watched Kettle.. part 2

Well I spent a busy evening at german lessons, running and at the pub watching the Chelsea Liverpool stalemate, and in the meantime, my kettle resolutely refused to boil.

I am quietly going out of my mind now!

I keep thinking there are lots of things I need to be doing, and I am wasting time, however, until I know what I am doing its difficult.

read while listening to the sound of your own heart hammering away

A Watched Kettle..

Well they say a watched kettle never boils, (though having studied Boyle's Law I don't believe this to be true* **), and I have been watching this particular kettle for two whole days now.

The kettle in question is my email.
Why am I watching it? To see if I have a job.
And so far, its not boiling.

* I realise that Boyle's Law doesn't directly describe state changes
** In thinking about this I have realised why a watched kettle never boils. Imagine a perfectly black kettle whose only energy input is a constant source of white light, in a completely reflective box, eventually all the light will be absorbed by the kettle and it will therefore heat up and eventually boil. Now cut two holes in the box and watch it, some of the light is absorbed in your retina and, heh presto the kettle resolutely refuses to boil, meanwhile you will go blind

read while listening to anything you like

Fractured

Here is some idiocy.

My colleague who broke his arm and has had countless time of work as a result, just told me he is going home. I asked him how he was finding taking the train to work, and he said "no no no I always drive to work!". I assumed he was joking since his right arm (the one you use for the hand break, the gearstick as well as steering, indicating and hitting your horn) is in plaster from the palm to above the elbow! But apparently not.

Maybe I am being way too cautious, but I would have thought this was quite dangerous. I suggested that this is as good a way as any to break the remaining bones in his body!

Read whilst listening to: Helmet - Crashing Foreign Cars

Play Delayed

Sony have announced that as well as charging Europeans alot more for the PSP that we will have to wait (until 1 September) to pay for it as well. I don' t mean they are selling them on a Buy Now Pay Later scheme, merely that they are keeping current stocks available for the US market until the demand has waned, before switching over to selling in Europe.

I say boo to you Sony.

So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for yooooooo!

Hello B,

The last week or so has gone by soooo sloooowwwlllleeee, it feels like a whole month long. I feel like I have been leaving here forever, and still noone knows.

I find it quite weird that I have posted my resignation here on the old blog which is unrestricted, and anyone with web access can read it, but my colleagues who sit at the next desk have no knowledge that in 5 weeks (and counting) they will never see me again.

I just got a statement of my accrued leave through which tells me that of the 19 working days between today and my official leaving date, I can take 14.5 of them as vacation. Woo hoo (puncht the air), so this time next week I could be (but probably won't be) sitting on the beach sipping pina coladas (in fact make that I definitely won't be), but you get the idea.

So no idiocy to speak of really.

Read this whist sipping pina colada and listen to Leaving on a jet plane

Unemployed but hopefully not unemployable

Hello Blog,

Today I resigned. I currently have no job to go to, but hopefully that will change in the next few hours/days.
If I cannot find a job I may resort to putting Google ads on this site to fund my international playboy lifestyle. if so please click them.

Anyway I am working here until 31st May and then well who knows...
Anyone wanting to visit Düsseldorf can do so until then and I will probably need to keep my apartment on until end of July (due to contractual obligations).

So there you go.

Gizza job!


Read whilst listening to: Its a long way to Tipperaree

Idiocy in the News

I spent some time today looking at the news on the net and found some interesting bits and pieces which I will share:

I) Boy steals tram.
So this 15 year old kid in Melbourne (Australia), a self professed ?Tram-nut? waltzes into the tram depot and lifts a set of tram keys. Then twice (twice) takes a tram for a spin, firstly travelling just 50metres before bailing, the second time running a normal service for 30 minutes including stopping to collect passengers!!!!
Quote of the week has to go to police constable Barry Hills:
However, police said they saw no reason why the teenager could not become a tram driver in the future.
"If he stays on the straight and narrow, then it's certainly not going to affect his future," Mr Hills said.

So I?m thinking, ?What was possibly going through the unnamed teenager?s brain?? Did he really think he was going to escape? Was he planning to respray the tram and sell it on? And why a tram? They aren?t the most glamourous of vehicles, they have a low top speed, poor handling, no handbrake turn, and they are very difficult to customise (If you don?t believe me go to Halfords yourself).


II) Great Wall of China visible from space (again).
The Chinese were really disappointed when some astronauts said that despite the widely held belief, they could not see the Great Wall of China from space. So imagine their relief when a Chinese-American astronaut took a photo with his own (commercially available) camera which clearly showed the Wall. Unfortunately the photo also showed the road and railway which run alongside the wall, so the Chinese were disappointed again that the Great Wall is not despite the widely held belief the only manmade structure visible from space. (Also visible are the Pyramids and some larger airports, sorry Beijing.)
No doubt the Japanese will be trying to build something huge just to piss the Chinese off some more.
Note Space.com has a list of images taken from space, including palm island, Dubei
Or for REALLY BIG PICTURES (not naked eye): Geoserve


III) Argentinian jailed for 640 years for crimes against humanity.
Now I don?t want to comment on what this guy did (kidnapped people and threw them out of planes in the name of government security), but his sentencing in Spain saw him receive a 21 year sentence for each of the 30 people he ejected from planes, and a further five years each for torture and illegal imprisonment. Now this guy is obviously pretty nasty, but once he had received 630 years of detention do you think he really needed to have 10 more added? He is hardly going to be more likely to come out and start torturing or illegal imprisoning people is he.
Despite this long sentence (from the court, not my blog) the maximum anyone guilty of non-terrorist offences can spend in jail is 30 years, whatever the original sentence. So watch out in 2035 for an 88 year old Argie flight attendant.


IV) Elephants rampage through Seoul
Six elephants escaped from a circus and (get this) broke into a restaurant, before running amok through suburban Seoul. Apparently
?One elephant was briefly detained at a police station?

And god knows I ?m a lot small than an elephant (these days) but the coward of the week award goes to this Korean landlord:
One of the elephants ran into an alley and hit a 52-year-old woman with its trunk her landlord, who was standing with her when the elephant appeared, said he ran away scared

Erm I guess my news will have to wait until the world is a bit quieter.

Big Problems Big solutions

This morning I met Tizi-Tazi on the U-Bahn and we were surrounded by a million Greek kids with enough hair gel, testosterone and ADHD to power the world. It?s amazing how quickly you wake up when there are a thousand schoolkids yelling in your ear.
So here?s my plan to solve the world?s energy crisis.

• Construct a specially designed powerstation that runs on teenage hormones and noise (shouldn?t be too hard).
• Leak a rumour to the greek / tukish community (every city has one) that there is free hair gel / hair dye available there.
• Wait until all the urchins are inside and shut the doors.
• Heh presto free energy for all.

Next week I solve the world?s water shortage by bottling 88 million German?s tears when they finally realise they aren't as good as they thought.

Listen to: Moby Animal Rights

Vote: Ric (website soon)

Disclaimer: If the contents this post caused you offense then I can only say I am sorry, sorry that you are greek, turkish, german or just easily offended, go and read someone else's blog instead, I hear David Duchovny is more sympathetic.

Spin

Ok so i applied some Labour(scum)-like spin to the figures, they were index-linked and seasonally adjusted. This is probably more realistic. Oh my god!

• Don't legalise foxhunting, legalise Labour MP hunting. Its more fun and more environmentally friendly
• Ban smoking in all places (public and private).
• By taxing the rich you force us to move overseas (which is fine so long as overseas means sea, sun and cocktails with little umbrellas, but not if it is a stinking grey bunker amongst trigger happy megalomaniacs)

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

Conservative

Your actual outcome:

Labour -5
	Conservative 10
	Liberal Democrat 18
	UK Independence Party 24
	Green 34

You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Well Andy sent me this link and so I had a go assuming that I was eligible to vote. It seems that I should vote against all parties, but least against the conservatives (huh).

So I place my cross in Anyone But Tony Party.

Tschüß

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

Conservative

Your actual outcome:

Labour -15
Conservative -3
Liberal Democrat -5
UK Independence Party -10
Green -25

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Tony's Won it Again

Well well well.

It seems that I have missed the boat, and Michael Howard will be the one to suffer.
I have just been investigating the process for oveseas British subjects (although it seems we have all been reclassified as "citizens" without my consent) voting in the UK elections and...

Upcoming elections
You have elections to the UK Parliament on 5 May 2005.

Registering to Vote

You need to be on the electoral register to vote. The deadline for registration in order to vote in elections held on 5 May 2005 was 11 March.

...Well thats fantastic isn't it.

And to think that I once wrote an essay on the right to vote being more important than the right to eat, on the basis that the right to vote implied an election. Well it seems I was wrong. Since you have to sort your right to vote out in the absence of an election and then when one comes along you can vote.

Nice One Tony

Read whilst listening to: Re:volution - coldcut and starting an underground political movement to overthrow the establishment.

p'ed off

It seems that blogger and I are having a stormy relationship.

Most of the time when I write I am offline, and then I connect and post the collected masterpieces (much like having an outbox). However the last two times I have tried to connect the blogger site has been down, so I now have a (quite) long list of posts which are getting decreasingly topical by the day.

Hopefully I will be able to arrange a time when I am online an blogger is working so I can post them.

In the meantime listen to the GO OST.

Unblocked

Lots to write about. I guess I was spurred to write having read the manc?s live journal (hint) which is very interesting at the moment.
Irish Pubs
Well The Manc seems to be having a mixed time in Bermuda, it seems there are some similarities between Bermuda and Germany, a shutdown on bank holidays, deep seated racism (and therefore intolerance of outsiders) and Irish bars.
Thank fuck for the Irish. Where would the world be without them? In every bolthole throughout the world there is an irish pub where you can forget how far from home you are, and I don?t mean to say that Ireland is home, but Irish bars feel like home now. Its kind of like a cultural decompression chamber (no disprespect intended). It doesn?t matter how weird life is outside, once you have a green carpet under your feet, wood-panelled walls around you, a pint of Guinness in hand and the irish rover (or whatever) in your ears, you are suitably desensitised, and can breathe easily, despite the old bike hanging from the roof, the black and white photos of a Donegal noone remembers, etc. I have been to Irish pubs in quite a few interesting places on most continents, and they seem to occupy a space outside of normal spacetime, maybe this is the next dimension!
I imagine that as human kind spreads through the solar system / galaxy / universe Irish pubs will materialise at each milestone (or lightyear marker). I am not sure the mechanics of pouring the perfect pint of Guinness in zero gravity, but I am sure that someone in Dublin is working on it.

Fish/Duck Boy
I saw this guy on the train tonight that looked like a cross between a duck and a fish, what should I therefore call him a dish? Or a fuck? Anyway dish/fuck-boy gave me the most dispproving look, through his dreads (well I say dreads but infact I guess in about six years they will be dreads, at the moment he has the hear of his head divided into sections with tiny coloured little clips just like a little girl would wear), and an unlit fag was hanging from his lip, since we were on the train, and no matter how rebellious you are here, you are a german and therefore law abiding first and foremost. So I had a laugh at dish/fuck-boy?s expense, and got evils back in return. So I left the train at my stop, and noticed that the only person to get off with me was? Yes dish/fuck-boy. Now I was a little worried, because its one thing to exchange hostile glances down the length of a U-bahn and another to be the only two people on a station platform at 23:30. So I made my way up to ground level at a brisk but steady pace, he was hot on my heels the whole way, I broke into the sodium lit night and glanced behind me only to confirm he was right there and now he knew I knew he was there. Then I saw my escape route, I headed straight towards the road. He was by now dogging (NO) my every step, and just as he expected to grab me I did the last thing he would have thought of,?. I crossed the empty road on a red light. Ha ha, what genius, I attained the far side of the road laughed at him and quickly disappeared into the night. A narrow escape!!!

I had intended to write about
Irritating Germans
Irritating England
Locke

But since I am tired and lazy, or lazy and tired (you decide) I will just report on tonight?s match:
England v Azerbyjian Venue: Tir Na Nog KO: 20:45
Lots of chances, pretty entertaining, pretty disappointing, so all in all a normal England game, Can?t think that any player was exceptionally good or bad. Though I do get sick of England playing like some kind of boy?s club and passing to the player who is going to make their landmark goal etc. Last time out it was Shaun Wright Phillips, today Owen, and god knows Owen doesn?t need help in scoring.
Also irritating, the Azers falling over at every tackle, like they had been shot, for fuck?s sake it?s a contact sport, not ballet. And booking Beckham for playing with one shoe, I mean come on.

So I?ll save the irritating Germans and Locke for another time.

Music not to listen to whilst reading this anything by Mr Robbie Williams ? I just heard three back to back tracks by the man and that?s more than anyone should be expected to withstand.
Better to listen to: Death in Vegas

Back to Mine

Well after a couple of hours sleep, a tortuous coach ride with a womansmelling of onions (not ellie), sitting in a shed in lyon and a pleasantcouple of days in london, including navigating hampton court maze in recordtime. I am back in the sprawl of Düsseldorf.

I seem to have contracted some illness which manifested itself only once I was re-installed in my apartment, and is now making me feel very sorry formyself. As seems to be the way of things everyone else is also ill, so Iwill spend the day writing emails and doing generally useful (if notproductive) stuff.

Will probably post some ski related stuff retrospectively, fi anyone's interested.

Listen to Suzuki - Tosca, or Flu Season from Some of my best friends are DJs - Kid Koala

Lonely Sunday Afternoon

Another week grinds to it?s conclusion and a new one is about to start, This next week looks very very very busy, with lots of important things to accomplish, and then my holiday, Aaaaaaaaaaaah.
The weekend has been very quiet, no real idiocy to report, but a couple of frustrations.
I) the rude kaufhof woman. Whilst buying some provisions at the celebrated department store, I attempted to ask the cashier for a carrier bag, she objected to my interruption to her conversation with another checkout jockey, and ignored me until her conversation then turned to me and spat out ?Was hast Du gesagt??* as if I had insulted her mother. Anyway I replied ?Gar nichts!? and left leaving her with all my shopping. I felt very remorseful at being such an inconvenience to the poor woman.
II) broken Tomb Raider. Lara has been entertaining me with her adventures through Angel of Darkness, and especially since I have some dodgy german version in which the dialogue is not only not synchronised with the cutscenes, the voices are speeded up by a factor of at least two, so the suspense is ruined by lara and fellows sounding more like morph (from tony hart programme fame). This isn?t so bad, but increasingly I was finding that Lara was getting stuck, eg. Gravity stops working when she was jumping from one place to another, so she is left hanging in mid air!!! Finally I got to one point (in the warehouse in Prague) where she has to jump down an air conditioning duct, and the whole thing crashed, with a ?Structure Game Exception? error. Well thank god it was a structured I would have hated to have wasted hours getting to this point to have it end with an unstructured game exception!

I started writing this listening to Thievery Corporation Lebanese Blonde, and ended it listening to BT (featuring Kirsty Hawkshank) Dreaming. No Hyperlinks today as I am offline today.

More soon, but beware, it?s a busy week coming up and then mercifully holiday so?..

* For those non-german speaking readers Du is the informal mode of address, something I am not bothered with, but I think her use of it was intended as an insult.

"I like thinkin' me"

I heard from a long and hitherto lost friend* today and it made me sit up and think. I was of course sat down at my desk when this happened, so sitting up was no great effort and I accomplished it easily, but I am getting somewhat off topic. My physical disposition is immaterial; it was my thought process that was important. So I thought from my lofty (9th floor) perch how far we have come, by that I don?t mean mankind, or since we lived in caves, but thinking much more locally. From humble-ish beginnings how far spread we are, how successful and influential we are.
I know that as you sit (up or down) at your desk this doesn?t seem to be the case, but take a moment now to stop, think, reward yourself and say (in the words of Jeb Barltlett) ?What?s Next?

Listen to BFBS Radio 1 whilst you read this and think of our boys overseas.

*I am trying to be a bit clever, but anyone half as pedantic as me will notice that it should be long lost and not long and lost, but for the purposes of this prose I will leave it in. Disclaimer: this does not reflect on any physical dimension of the person in question, who I haven?t seen for quite some years and even when we did know each other well we never had a tape measure handy.

Homeward Bound

Ok I have had it, enough is enough in this god forsaken country, I have made up my mind to head homewards, or at least elsewards, watch this space to see whether I make it or not.
It seems that the England Rugby team can?t do without me. They have lost four games in a row now!!!!!!!

Read whilst listening to: 3 Lions or Swing (very) low Sweet Chariot

long time no blog

I see that it is nearly a month since I wrote anything so maybe I should rename the page everymonth idiocy, I don't know whether it has the same ring, though.
Anyway I find that quite hard to believe since nothing has really happened. There was Karneval, which was exactly as predicted, very drunken, very drunken and very drunken. This coincided with the Superbowl, so it made for a very drunken very late night. The photos do not bear scrutiny.
The following weekend was pretty much the same, three days of drinking, no food, etc. I am sure you know the drill, and if you don?t then you probably don?t want to.
So the biggest disappointments were, i) the germans almost rioting over the free sweets thrown from the karneval floats and ii) being too drunk to meet up with 20 (twenty) young Swedish girls visiting Düsseldorf.
Anyway that?s about the long and short of it.
I suppose I could go on and on and on about the frugal germans and the way they train their children to wriggle between people's legs to pick up tiny sweets, or the way they reengineer umberellas into big funnels in order to collect as much of the jetisoned confectionary as possible, but I am just too disappointed about the Swedes

Read whilst listening to: U R the best thing: D-Ream or better still U R the best thing: D-Ream

Altweiber - Old Vixens

Today is the first day of KARNEVAL, so a million Germans will be drinking, puking, fighting, and generally trying to enjoy themselves in Düsseldorf for the next few days. A similar proportion of the population will be leaving the city, to avoid the revelry/rioting.

An amusing fact-ette my german teacher informed me in last night's lesson, the overground trams/straßenbahn do not run during karneval, because there are too many drunk people falling over or sleeping on the street, and insufficient police to maintain clear tram tracks. Now I don't know but I think some kind of snow-plough/bull bar device on the front of each tram would sort everything out!

More of the madness soon

Nothing and Everything

I hadn?t realised that I had left it so long between posts, oops, you my valued readers will be no doubt fretting.(ha).
So here?s a long post about everything and nothing

I was reading Owen Meany over the weekend, trying to finish it off, for some reason it has taken me a long time to read, I broke off to read ?Sweet Smell of Psychosis? and The Hobbit, but that?s another story (actually two other stories). So I was reading about Owen Meany?s funeral, and how moving it was, because the Pastor Mr Merril had just had his epiphany with the dressmakers dummy, etc. Anyway I thought how so far removed that funeral was from anything I would want to mark my passing. So I got to thinking what I would want for a funeral, and I think that I would ask for the minimum of fuss, get rid of the corpse, give what organs I have not destroyed to someone who can still use them, maybe play some music (Song of Life ?Leftfield, Easter Song ? A Man Called Adam), have a drink and get on with getting older yourselves. Not that I really expect too many people to notice my passing. I suspect that to most I have become not much more than some ASCII characters at the end of an increasingly virtual connection.

The number of books I have left to read never seems to diminish. At present it is around 10 or so books, which I want to read and two, three or four which I feel I ought to read., maybe I should take some time out just to work through this list, but as mentioned above, since the list does not diminish this will never work. This was my original plan two and a half years ago when Andy and I ended up going to Cambodia. I remember reading Heart of Darkness & Stupid White Men, I must have taken at least one other book, but I really can?t remember what that would be (Lonely Planet?s aside). The previous year it had been A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, The Smiths (stolen by Mac and destroyed), Geisha (why?)
And that brings me onto another point: Three and a half years ago we visited Thailand, and stayed in Raileh a beautiful place one the Andaman coast just north of Krabi. I dread to think what remains of this place now, after the Tsunami, I always planned to go back there, but I suspect that if it has been wiped out then it will be replaced by big modern facilities which would defeat the point. I guess there?s a chance that Phuket took the brunt and Krabi was saved.
Holy 5hit, I guess you get so used to seeing death and destruction on TV that it really doesn?t register, but I just saw this on the FCO website:
Phi Phi Island was badly hit by the tsunami. The injured and most of the survivors were taken off the island within 48 hours of the disaster. There is no body collection area on Phi Phi Island. Recovery of victims from the island is currently still underway.
You are advised that visiting this area is a very traumatic experience, and one that we do not recommend. Phi Phi Island remains under forensic investigation, and access is restricted. If any relatives wish to visit the remainder of the area, we recommend that they discuss options with their consular officer from the British Embassy Office in Phuket.
Also:
Unfortunately, the chances of finding someone are getting smaller and smaller. Therefore we are providing information about the fatalities as well. We are currently trying to get all the fatalities to one site: Wat Yan Yao. There is absolutely no use for you to go in and look for missing persons yourself. Besides the danger of getting infectious diseases, you will not be able to recognise the missing person. That is why we strongly recommend that you do not go in the temples yourself. Forensic doctors and many volunteers are working night and day to identify the fatalities by taking DNA samples and taking photographs of characteristics you might recognise. Contact your own Embassy about where you can go to give your own DNA. There are information boards in front of the Wat with photographs. There are also missing persons forms which you can complete. Positive identification of all the fatalities is a difficult job and it is estimated that this process will be about 2-3 months.
If that doesn?t make it real for you then nothing will.

Taxing Issues part 4

I heard the "religious" thought for the day on BFBS (British Forces Broadcasting Something), which was all about it being tax day, and how the guy hadn't filed his tax return, then he said, "no post to public buildings on a Saturday". This set me into a bit of a panic, thinking that my tax return might be late, but I guess that there is nothing I can do about it, so I will just sit back and relax.
He then went on to talk about God not having a deadline or some such stuff, I am not sure how happy I feel about some guy telling our nations finest to rely on a fabricated deity, and in this day of religious freedom, how do the armed services cater for the religious smorgersbord required by the enlightened modern fighting force. I think I will investigate.

Sunday musing

I have just noticed that the backs of my hands are becoming increasingly hirsute, is this something to do with old age? Whatever the reason I am not sure what can be done about it. Trimming or shaving would seem to be a bit weird, waxing even more so, then the only other option is bleaching which simply ain?t going to happen. I think I will stick with absent minded plucking.
I am reminded of the old playground joke, ?what?s the second sign of madness? ? having hairs in the palms of your hands? what?s the first sign?...looking for them!?.
Talking of palms I makes me think of Oliver Stone?s short lived series Wild Palms, I like the review of this as ?never quite as good as it thinks it is?. But in case you forgot it was a kind of futuristic vision of business and weirdness, which was a little bit Twin Peaks and a little bit Rising Sun. Any way it had a post porkies, pre-sex in the city Kim Cattral and James Belushi. The most exciting thing I remember about this was they had holographic TV, a bit like R2D2?s projection.

It?s nearly Karneval time here in Düsseldorf, and I expect at least something interesting, which might, after filtering through my drunken stupour be worth troubling these (not so) hallowed pages with.

Taxing Issues part 3

Finally it's away. The Tax return that is. So I hope it will be picked up tonight (but probably tomorrow, Wednesday, then one day to England; Thursday, delivered Friday or Saturday at the latest, I f*cking well hope.

Next time (if there is a next time) I'm doing it the very instant I get the form.

Taxing Issues - part two

OH MY GOD

So now I have obtained my new password from the IR so I log into the portal to file my tax return and.....
...you cannot complete sections on share save schemes or non-residency. I am still in the same position as I was in August AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH, now only 13 days left until the deadline though.

I wish I had taken the advice and hired an accountant. I am also told that I need to complete tax returns here in Germany, now if the British Inland Revenue can make things so hard, I dread to think how I am going to survive completing a German tax return. No wonder so many people opt for an "alternative" lifestyle.

...And now the IR portal has crashed my internet connection.

read while listening to: the Fat of the land
or
Animal Rights

Where is this all going?

Sorry I haven~t written anything for a while, well over a week to be honest, I might make the excuse that I have been busy, and over the weekend this was true, but I think we all know the truth is that I am lazy.

I realised that writing a journal (diary, blog....) is not something to be taken lightly, it might make interesting reading if your life is interesting, if I were a volunteer helping out with Tsunami problems, or the first Airbus A380 pilot, or such forth, I would not need to think too much about what to write, the story is right there and everyone will find it interesting. When you live here in Dusseldorf and life is comfortably dull, its difficult to find interesting gems that people might want to read about. (as you are discovering).

So I will try to filter the world and distill the more potent stuff, which I guess is my way of saying I won't be writing every day. Ha

read whilst listening to: Lee Hazelwood & Nancy Sinatra - Some Velvet Morning

Taxing Issues

AAAArrrrghhh

It is January and I have to complete my tax return 2003/04 before the end of the year.
Now the TV commercial says "Tax needn't be taxing", but...
in August I downloaded all the forms I needed and started to complete them, only to find that I needed a special reference, I emailed and rang the relevant people and they told me that I didn't need to file a self assessment, but that I did need to return an expatriation form, etc.
In October (after the first self assessment deadline) they sent me a self assessment form (minus one relevant section) and told me I needed to complete this, but that I had missed the first deadline, but I could complete it online or do the maths myself on paper.
Now I had to collect together all the paperwork and start, so I set myself the date of 27/12/04 to complete the online form, but then (and admittedly only then because I had not done anytthing with it) I found that you need to register for an online completion, and they (IR) send you a user id and PIN in the post, therefore I couldn't complete it at that point and had to wait until I got back to Germany.
Now I am here and am trying again and feeling pretty good about it, only to find out that I have forgotten my password, (my fault I know), so I request a new password, but they have to send that in the post, aaarrgh and I can't use my account until I use this new password which is on its way to me. AAAAAaaarrrgh. So I am back to completing the paper copy which I could have done in August.
Tax doesn't have to be taxing! Ha

Detox going strong

I had a very mixed day with a bit of a disaster towards the end (the details of which are pretty unimportant), but what I really felt like after my first week of work in 2005 was going to the pub and drinking a lot of beer. BUT its January and I'm trying to treat my body to a holiday from excess, and so I settled for a diet cola, now my girlfriend tells me that this is worse than drinking beer, but I don't listen. (In fact someone else once told me that diet cola is so bad that the only way to dispose of it is to pour it down disused mine shafts, I have just checked google and can't find any corroboration of this, though http://www.blacktable.com/gillin040317.htm looks very interesting!!!!)

Back to the point, I saw on MSN a link about how healthy detox is, so I clicked and was taken another page which linked to the actual topic, the article was typical, limited info and common sense, because the world is so dumb. Advice like "diets involving drinking only drinking water can be bad for you and are not recommended", yep thats why we evolved with teeth!
The point is though that this banal advice was located under the WOMEN section of MSN. Now I don't know but that makes me think. a) should men not be worried about diet, detox, health etc.? b) if I am wanting to know more about a subject in the MSN WOMEN section does that make me less of a man? c) is health conscience the sole domain of women? d) why is there no MSN Men section.
MSN UK has the following sections: Auctions from eBay Cars Computing & Tech Dating & Personals Entertainment Games HoroscopesJobs MobileMoney National LotteryNews & Weather Property Public ServicesShopping Sport from SkySports Travel Women
Why is there no men section, or should we just leap straight to www.FHM.com (not safe for work).


recommended music for this blog entry> http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/radio1_aod.shtml?r1blueroomsun

Start the Blog Rolling

So I caught the blog bug, and set up my own weblog, I hope that I will find enough of interest to write here.

In order to get it all going, I'll post some of my old rants. Apologies if they offend anyone.

Detoxing Jan

Well after a december of excess (as usual) I think its a good idea to try and give the old body a rest. So I am making the resolution to try a light detox as follows:
No alcohol
No refined sugars (or processed or whatever)

I am not claiming this will turn me into anything resembling healthy, but surely it can't hurt? Can it?

I will let you know how it goes, yes all of you.