Lift Couture

When I grow up I want to be a lift manufcaturer, like Koni or Otis (aside: did you know that Otis have their UK headquarters in Reading. This makes for a very uneasy conversation if you ever call them, as the receptionist answers the phone, "OTIS READING, how may I help". Calls related to sitting and the dock of the bay are not well received). The reason that I would like to be a lift manufacturer when I am grown up will become apparent from the following.

Schindler's Lift.
Every time I venture to and from my office I take the lift (lazy, yes, but I work on the 10th floor and my old legs aren't what they used to be). Usually there is noone else to share this journey and I can occupy the time regarding my self narcissitcally in the mirror which it seems it is obligatory to fit in modern elevators (maybe to give the impression that it is bigger than it really is, a kind of tardis effect, in fact if you read the maximum load recommendations you would be forgiven for assuming that the lift is twice its actual size ? up to 22 persons! I think getting 10 anorexic supermodels in would be a feat, never mind 22 leather clad, sausage eating mustascheod Hermans). But occasionally I share my ride with my co-workers, and often they are German.

Now the Germans love efficiency more than anything else (if the truth be known they operate only on negatives so in actual fact they hate inefficiency more than anything else) and what is more inefficienct that waiting for the doors of a lift to close? So whereas I get into the lift, and press the button for the 10th floor (or ground floor depending on which way I'm going) and then pause to say goodbye before I get on with the business of preening in the mirror. Your german cannot abide this and they feel compelled to press the close door button (usually labelled ><) to save that fraction of a second they would have to wait for the doors to close unprovoked. This is not just a casual automatic response, it is a serious time saving efficiency drive on the part of all Germans, to the extent that I have been the last to enter a lift on a couple of occaisions and have hit the 10th floor button, but not the ><>

So now you can see why I want to be a lift manufaturer, either to make lifts that don't have such a button. Far better still to make lifts that have a button labelled ><>

I might even have a novelty where if the button is pressed twice, a voice chimes 'Patience is a virtue', see how you like that Fritz!

In a moment of ponderance, maybe while waiting for the lift doors to close I ran through some quick caluclations. The average German works 46 weeks a year 5 days a week, they have 13 bank holidays and about 10 days sick leave. They probably make six elevator journeys per day, and save about a half second each journey by pushing the >< second =" 621">

While we are on the subject, if you happen to drive past Northampton on the M1 you may notice a tall tower on the outskirts of the city. Now call it rumour, call it urban myth, but I have it on good authority that this building is actually a research facility for all things elevator related. This is where the next generation of lifts will be developed and tested. Maybe they are, as you read this, developing a special feature for the german market where the doors slam closed the instant someone is inside. Or perhaps they have perfected the specifc rendition of Greensleeves played on pan-pipes that will drive humans insane while travelling between neighbouring floors.

Another phenomenon of german lift culture is the Lift Tschüs (Tschüs means Cheerio, Toodle-ooo, See ya). Now when Helmut is walking down the street the very last thing on his mind is saying hello to strangers, he is no more about to tip his hat, twirl his mustache and muse on the vagaries of the weather than he is to buy a British car. He is a focussed automaton. And he will not take kindly to you interupting his spazieren. His demeanour does not change when his journey requirres vertical movement. He gets in the lift presses the button for his floor (presses the ><>